Final Year
Salaams ..
Final year *sigh *sigh*
Ive been cooped up in my room, not healthy that.
Staring..well..not all the time, sifting and reading through mounds and mounds of papers.
7 deadly sins, history of greed, yep yep..Aristotlelian Christianism..say whayytt?
iatah bah..hmm..interesting though. medieval Christian theology. Just enough for me to yes for my essay.
but but
my heart is breaking
how i am yearning to return
to that sunny spot
where i can rock gently in my rocking chair
and just gaze out into the soft blue horizon
with streaks of white
and hear the morning birds, the flutter of their wings
then a few hours later..bapa cutting grass
but serene, my heart so serene.
how i miss that.
and where i can just go to the masjid every prayer time
praying in a jemaah
and then sitting after
just reciting, reading
within that beautiful space
just me, the silence and Allah
but here..what has happened to me?
my heart is breaking
and i am looking
looking for what
like grappling in the dark
inchoate
and waiting with my breaking heart
streaked with pain
dont get me started on Tarim
Oh Tarim! Tarim Ahlaha!
Tarim…
how i have betrayed myself
the Muslimah I became there
what a loss!
How I miss it..all of it
the adhkar before and after fajr
the strong sun
that sweet, deep, soft silence in the morning
when i sit under the shade of the tree near the mussolla
the students and their sincere pure hearts
my sister…love?
How can you call this love? When God doesn’t give His blessing so?
How are you deluded?
Have you not seen in the Glorious Recitation…”lower your gaze”
Oh my beloved child, oh my beloved sister, my heart is breaking for you.
Believe…there is so much , so so much on life than satisfying your immediate passions.
Love, oh my sister, love, between a man and woman is a sacred, pure gift that Allah gives to those who are tied in legal union. Call me old fashion, and yet to me such labels are meaningless…for such values are values. These values are full of wisdom and baraka.
Believe you me..happiness, and sorrow experienced by by man and wife, in a house that God grants his redha. What peace! and in unrest, peace.
But I see you emptying your life in something meaningless, creating meaning in air. Sometimes I think, surely, you are not serious.
Find Him my sister. Find Him.
He is there. He waits for you patiently. Why neglect the Beloved.
Prefer you the creature over the creator. Prefer you the companion to your hurt?
When His door is wide open, full of rahma…my sister run to Him. My sister have hope. Humbly cry your forgiveness. Hand your precious heart to the One who created it and the One who knows best how to take care of it.
It does not matter if you are in pieces…you don’t have to be perfect to go to Him.
Just Go.
My sister…I hope your heart will be filled with LOVE. With TRUE LOVE. HIS LOVE. HIS LIGHT..and this is happiness. True happiness.
My sister I want so badly that you find love and peace in Him.
Forgive my harsh words, but I sincerely desire good for you.
Ayyuhal walad
Bismillah.
SubhanaAllah…now was that not a long, long, looong hiatus?
Alhamdullilah, the H, houris of our house has just brilliantly got us all hooked up with the internet! This house has been electronicnetless since the day we moved in…aye, that was about nearly 5 weeks ago.
It’s good tho’, when I need the net to go online for my arabic lessons, i diligently trek the 10+5 minute trek-if-you-count the extra 5-6minutes to the nearest computer lab-to-uni-trek.
All that tea, biscuits, chocolate, cheese and what-have-you-in the kitchen are a handy fuel after all =)
Alhamdullilah! Now, i can skype with family, and online hqing, and and…criminal minds..oo, no, no dunya inshaAllah. none of that thanks. and the emails i have to replyyyy..and and..
so this is going to be Bussy as the loudest Buzz of the bee you can get. my presentation is tomoroooww…please make dua that I don’t shame myself!! well…that’s not the worst of it… i might just go on and on and on…eeee. ok, fullstop.
and then whaa..dante seminar is also on tommoroww..reading needs to be done after this. thenn Essay on friday. ok ok, alhamdullilah..that is pretty much my superficial woes. nothing serious really!! unnecessary drama!
(oh..and arabic test due next week =0)
anyhootie.. the first place i visit in honor, in coronation of my return to the www, indeed, i went to sister’s website.
and that is the main purpose of my writing tonight. something she wrote reminded me to remind her. the last time we talked (aieeee…she HAS turned into some sort of CNN political spokesman!) she reminded me ‘Ka, study for the sake of Allah’. SubhanaAllah, and that is a great reminder especially for someone like me.
Now here is my turn. Something I read from Imam Al-Ghazali’s “Letter to A Disciple”.
Just an extract, hokay?
…I have seen in the Gospel of Jesus (upon him be blessings and peace), ‘From the moment the dead man is put on the bier till he is put at the graveside, God in His Majesty will ask Him forty questions. the firs of them is “Worshipper of Mine, for years you purified yourself in view of men and not for an hour did you purify yourself in view of Me.” And every day He looks into your heart He says “What is this you are doing for others than Myself, when it is my goodness with which you are surrounded? But as for you, you are deaf and heedless!”"
Allah hu akbar
