Final year *sigh *sigh*

Ive been cooped up in my room, not healthy that.
Staring..well..not all the time, sifting and reading through mounds and mounds of papers.
7 deadly sins, history of greed, yep yep..Aristotlelian Christianism..say whayytt?
iatah bah..hmm..interesting though. medieval Christian theology. Just enough for me to yes for my essay.
but but
my heart is breaking
how i am yearning to return
to that sunny spot
where i can rock gently in my rocking chair
and just gaze out into the soft blue horizon
with streaks of white
and hear the morning birds, the flutter of their wings
then a few hours later..bapa cutting grass
but serene, my heart so serene.
how i miss that.

and where i can just go to the masjid every prayer time
praying in a jemaah
and then sitting after
just reciting, reading
within that beautiful space
just me, the silence and Allah

but here..what has happened to me?
my heart is breaking
and i am looking
looking for what
like grappling in the dark
inchoate
and waiting with my breaking heart
streaked with pain

dont get me started on Tarim
Oh Tarim! Tarim Ahlaha!
Tarim…
how i have betrayed myself
the Muslimah I became there
what a loss!

How I miss it..all of it
the adhkar before and after fajr
the strong sun
that sweet, deep, soft silence in the morning
when i sit under the shade of the tree near the mussolla
the students and their sincere pure hearts

How are you deluded?

Have you not seen in the Glorious Recitation…”lower your gaze”

Oh my beloved child, oh my beloved sister, my heart is breaking for you.

Believe…there is so much , so so much on life than satisfying your immediate passions.

Love, oh my sister, love, between a man and woman is a sacred, pure gift that Allah gives to those who are tied in legal union. Call me old fashion, and yet to me such labels are meaningless…for such values are values. These values are full of wisdom and baraka.

Believe you me..happiness, and sorrow experienced by by man and wife, in a house that God grants his redha. What peace! and in unrest, peace.

But I see you emptying your life in something meaningless, creating meaning in air. Sometimes I think, surely, you are not serious.

Find Him my sister. Find Him.

He is there. He waits for you patiently. Why neglect the Beloved.

Prefer you the creature over the creator. Prefer you the companion to your hurt?

When His door is wide open, full of rahma…my sister run to Him. My sister have hope. Humbly cry your forgiveness. Hand your precious heart to the One who created it and the One who knows best how to take care of it.

It does not matter if you are in pieces…you don’t have to be perfect to go to Him.

Just Go.

My sister…I hope your heart will be filled with LOVE. With TRUE LOVE. HIS LOVE. HIS LIGHT..and this is happiness. True happiness.

My sister I want so badly that you find love and peace in Him.

Forgive my harsh words, but I sincerely desire good for you.

SubhanaAllah…now was that not a long, long, looong hiatus? 

Alhamdullilah, the H,  houris of our house has just brilliantly got us all hooked up with the internet! This house has been electronicnetless since the day we moved in…aye, that was about nearly 5 weeks ago.

It’s good tho’, when I need the net to go online for my arabic lessons, i diligently trek the 10+5 minute trek-if-you-count the extra 5-6minutes to the nearest computer lab-to-uni-trek.

All that tea, biscuits, chocolate, cheese and what-have-you-in the kitchen are a handy fuel after all =)

Alhamdullilah! Now, i can skype with family, and online hqing, and and…criminal minds..oo, no, no dunya inshaAllah. none of that thanks. and the emails i have to replyyyy..and and..

so this is going to be Bussy as the loudest Buzz of the bee you can get. my presentation is tomoroooww…please make dua that I don’t shame myself!! well…that’s not the worst of it… i might just go on and on and on…eeee. ok, fullstop.

and then whaa..dante seminar is also on tommoroww..reading needs to be done after this. thenn Essay on friday. ok ok, alhamdullilah..that is pretty much my superficial woes. nothing serious really!! unnecessary drama!

(oh..and arabic test due next week =0)

anyhootie.. the first place i visit in honor, in coronation of my return to the www, indeed, i went to sister’s website. 

and that is the main purpose of my writing tonight. something she wrote reminded me to remind her. the last time we talked (aieeee…she HAS turned into some sort of CNN political spokesman!) she reminded me ‘Ka, study for the sake of Allah’. SubhanaAllah, and that is a great reminder especially for someone like me.

Now here is my turn. Something I read from Imam Al-Ghazali’s “Letter to A Disciple”.

Just an extract, hokay?

…I have seen in the Gospel of Jesus (upon him be blessings and peace), ‘From the moment the dead man is put on the bier till he is put at the graveside, God in His Majesty will ask Him forty questions. the firs of them is “Worshipper of Mine, for years you purified yourself in view of men and not for an hour did you purify yourself in view of Me.” And every day He looks into your heart He says “What is this you are doing for others than Myself, when it is my goodness with which you are surrounded? But as for you, you are deaf and heedless!”"

Allah hu akbar

I am going. I will miss my family dearly, please be good muslims, ok family? That’s all im asking. I love love you.

And take care of your iman my friends, habibtis and ukhtis.

Please please make dua’ that this journey will be beneficial for me inshaAllah.

The best intentions is to seek closeness with Allah swt, inshaAllah.

Ma’salaama =)

16/06/2008 22:48:00

People fear You.

I fear myself.

If you have patience for literary + spiritual bites, then this post is for you. =) inshaAllah

I’ve been passing my Sunday reading a translation of The Speech of the Birds (Mantiqu’t Tair), a work considered one of the masterpieces of Persian literature composed by Faridu’d-Din Attar’s. An apothecary who lived around the time of medieval Islam (i.e. he lived from 1145-1221), Attar’s poetry mainly concerns about the wayfarers path to seeking closeness with God.

Alas…because Persian happens not to be the language taught during my secondary school years, not that STPRI would have thought of teaching me Farsi anyways (love the school!) =) for now, inshaAllah, this ambitious literature student shall just stick and make wonderful do with Peter Avery’s translation, and a superb translation it is.

Consider this beautiful imagery framed in the English language.

Ocean’s lip He parched with thirst,

SubhanaAllah. Poetic I tell you. Right there and then, if I had a pencil/highlighter/pen I would have marked, underscored and scribbled in enthusiastic appreciation ‘NICE!’. In fact, I’m sure I had all those writing/marking instruments within reach, however being captivated by the beauty of Attar’s poetry I continued reading on, savoring the words, the description so moving and strong with spiritual meaning.

‘He’ here of course alludes to Allah swt, the Creator of the Alameen. And it doesn’t take a genius to comprehend that Attar is describing the beginning of creation. It’s interesting don’t you think? He opens the book with the story of beginning itself, the story of man’s and the world’s first lease into life, the story’s of God’s breathtaking Majesty. Unrivalled. Sole and Supreme Creator. Fashioner of the worlds.

In the name of God The Merciful And Compassionate

Praise to life’s Perfect Creator,

He who gave the dust soul and faith;

He founded the Throne on water,

For the creatures of dust, life on wind.

He held the heavens above;

Earth he kept in utmost lowliness.

On one He conferred unstilled motion.

To the other he gave perpetual repose.

The heavens he pitched like a tent,

Raised without pillars, but he made earth their floor.

In six days he made the Seven Stars appear,

And with two letters made visible the Nine Spheres.

To the snare of the body He gave shifting states:

Put dust on the tail of the bird of the soul.

He poised the ocean in submission to Himself;

In fear of Him He petrified the mountains.

Ocean’s lip He parched with thirst…(3)

SubhanaAllah ~ Glory be to Allah ~

Notice Attar’s consistent emphasis on the world’s humble submission before Allah, the contrast of words, particularly for example in alluding to the widespread earth, the very earth in which Attar points out as yet ‘kept in utmost lowliness’. Physically and visually , indeed we see this. The earth that many a haughty or mighty human treads upon is still positioned beneath the heavens. This reminds me of a proverb that says, and it goes something along this line : No matter how high a throne a person sits on, he still sits on his bottom. Brilliant. No matter how grandly the earth unfolds, it is still one that submits in all ways before its true King.

Notice again the language of God’s active hand in creation : ‘The heaven he pitched like a tent’, ‘To the snare of the body’; and of creation’s humility and submission ‘He poised the ocean in submission to Himself/ In fear of Him He petrified the mountains’.

The ocean that we know, never conquered by man, the deep unknown as we tend to think of it…that vast, lawless and massively mysterious body of water and life…the ocean ultimately submitting itself to God. I don’t know if you have stood by yourself before the open sea and watch the waves coming and going, the volumes of water, heaving and gracefully climbing on top one another, rolling, rolling and then crashing into the shore. A frantic mixture of white foam, sand and blue. They do this, the waves starting as far as the eye could see, from the far horizon. And when you look into the middle part of the sea, you see the disgruntled kind of rumbling, more water, water endlessly pushing and rolling again into the shore. The sea, the ocean is a majestic creation. But to have this natural subject indeed a loyal subject of God…

And of the majestic mountains whose tops pierces into the high clouds, prostrating, weakened before God. These imposing emblems of God’s servants, coming from the natural world, arranged and bowing as if in prayer and shame before their Lord.

Reading this makes me think : And what about me? What about us humans? Compared to the mountains, earth, skies and ocean…humans appear like mere waifs of the world. And yet indeed, many of us, would strut on the earth so proudly, forgetting, not fearing, not minding that God is watching…like this moment right now. And finding us behaving in a way that is not pleasing to Him, and finding us absent in places where He expects us to be.

Can you imagine that?

Let’s illustrate. Late this afternoon, around 5 plus or so pm, I poked my curious head outside the window of my Brunei Hall room, 3 floors above the ground, quite high in the air is my head found. Not too long in this odd activity, my attention was arrested by a man sitting in his car parallel-parked across the Brunei Hall building. Lo and behold, I saw him rudely toss out what seems to be a finished meal, a sizeable McD paper bag- into the fenced public garden next to him!!! I was appalled. Ok, you say. Big deal. It’s not like he shot a cat.

But really..it is just so so so rude and uncaring of this man to commit such a mindless, unnecessary act. I wasn’t very impressed. I am sure if this man knew that someone was around and watching him, he would definitely have not done what he did. That is to litter so unapologetically. He would have in fact, kept his rubbish to himself in his car and dispose of them in the appropriate way.

A few seconds later, he took out what seems to be…I dunno..tabacco like powder. He held them in his hands, and started sniffing them, and from which he then unconsciously proceed to minutely arrange and separate in his hand. More sniffing follows. First thing careening into my head ‘OMG! That guy is on crack!’

Two lessons to be found here:

1) I should have not jumped to conclusions. For all I know, irregardless of the dodgy nature of his actions, they were probably sunflower seeds. In fact, I shouldn’t have even been engaging in espionage of that sort. (Another ‘in fact’, is that I should probably up my knowledge on how dubious substances are ACTUALLY consumed. But this is beside the point.)

2) Most importantly I started musing, ‘SubhanaAllah, this man doesn’t know that I can see what he is doing.’ And watching him from above gave me a ‘sense of looking down into the world’, like I could see and catch anything in my view, an authoritative, knowing ‘I know what you are doing…but you can’t see me’ kind of feel.

By this time, my eyes have focused out of this man, musing even more : ‘But God is watching me watching Him…and God has always watched OVER me..in a way where oftentimes I am unconscious of Him watching me , and then I do something that is displeasing to Him, and He SAW all that…’

The self shudders. My head retreated back into the room. SubhanaAllah. This servant is ever in need of reminders.

I have done what the man in the anecdote has done. I know I have thrown and acted out the metaphorical rubbish of life, forgetting that God saw it and was not impressed by what I did. I was frowning disapprovingly when I saw the man litter. I don’t know what God would do when I ‘litter’. But I know I as a servant who has professed fealty and love to him, upon reflection feel this: Malu.

Attar has caught the spirit of my feeling further in The Speech of the Birds. I have been haunted by feelings of spiritual inadequacy these past few days.

My carnal self’s enwrapped me from head to foot.

If you do not save me, woe is me.

My soul is sullied by vanity.

I cannot bear the sullying.

Either cleanse me of this corruption,

Or cease to bloody me, but make me dust.

People fear You.

I fear myself…(7)

Every word, every scenario inscribed here by Attar is true, the very same uttering of one’s heart.

I have often read a good sister repeating ‘And the self is weak, the nafs is strong’, and that it is only with Allah’s guidance can the servant prevail. How true.

I find myself in this state. Doing, thinking, intentioning something other than what should purely be for God. ‘Sullying’ myself. Yes, it is a test for us to fight our nafs. That is the grand jihad our beloved Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him alluded to.

Attar also reminds us that this jihad is over only once our life ceases, and we return back to the humble substance that we arose from- dust.

My favorite line so far has to be this :

People fear You.

I fear myself…

Attar captures in such clever brevity the servant who fears his ownself, articulating both the truth and wisdom of fearing the very self who serves to insidiously betray the servant. And it is indeed a relevant fear. And to compare one’s fear for God, a fear that we know should be incomparable to anything else (and which I believe is a kind of fear that remains incomparable) is a literary technique that is just pure genius. Ultimately of course, I think when ‘I fear myself’, this fear is still nonetheless rooted to the fear of God. I fear myself influencing myself into evil because I fear God’s displeasure.

These two lines thus read ‘I fear myself’ for the sake of God.

There is also of course another kind of reading, I believe rooted in the Sufistic tradition. From the little that I know, I understand that there exists in Sufi belief about the ‘annihilation of the self’, in knowing and loving God. Between the lover (i.e. the servant) and the Beloved (God), inevitably there is only room for one –God. It is when everything, everything is from God, when the servant understands that everything is from God, everything is about God…then ‘myself’ is no longer, ‘myself’ is gone, only God remains, and thus the exaltation of Him. The servant has humble himself so severely into nothingness, glorifying only His Raab. Thus, ‘I fear myself’ finally and cleverly double backs to ‘I fear God’.

Complicated idea perhaps and I seriously say that I am the worst to expound them, but I thought of sharing a little of what I learned, though perhaps an unwise thing to do. I thought hopefully, I haven’t detracted from the mainstream Islamic teachings at all and have in fact only took a tiny fraction of the vast field of Sufism, just to share some interesting food for thought.

From You I experience good;

From myself, evil…

~‘Know yourself and you know God’

I feel sad =( Kyla and Sorwa has left for Yemen. It felt so strange, so surreal to have Kyla over in London. It was like my precious piece from the States in my Bruneian London, my two familiar worlds coming together. SubhanaAllah, truly Allah is Great. People meet and part for His Sake, inshaAllah, I am able to practice this too.

Hugging each other goodbye, our goodbyes in London before the Heathrow Express, I again feel at loss. My head, my heart seems to have gone somewhere again. I was only standing there, mute and dumb, unable to express anything meaningful, except the wordlessness and sad smile that mean a million other things. Assalamualaikum…I miss you. I couldn’t say it because I was concentrated in feeling it. Goodbye…I’ll miss you, uttered my heart as I walk away. I’ll miss you..why didn’t I say it?..It’s ok, I consoled myself, I’ll say it in the email, when I’m clear headed. InshaAllah, as another consolation, I’ll be able to see you both again in Sanaa, InshaAllah.

* * *

I walked back to Brunei Hall. I think I was actually in a mild state of shock. Saying goodbye is really hard for me. Hmm..I guess I just realized that. I remembered last year when I left Brunei for the States, I cried shamelessly, shamelessly I tell you in the airport, hugging my Babu, not wanting to let her go. It was like the dam of tears had just broken, and I cried and sobbed to my hearts content. My babu is a very patient woman, MashaAllah, so she just held her eldest daughter stoically. I miss my babu now.

Entering the BH lobby, I was greeted by Aunty ‘Minah’ (Ya Allah, she’s Vietnamese I tell you, I can’t recall her name, someone apparently decided to grant her a Malay-Muslim name,I assume for convenience sake, MashaAllah, she is a very friendly, likable women). Aunty Minah serves the foods to the hungry, the eager, the perhaps rarely not so eager diners of Brunei Hall. She is indeed the kind, brave custodian, the fair distributor of the ‘nasi puteh, kari ayam, bak choy dan grilled salmon’ of the day.

So she said to me “Mau makan?”…First thing I entered Brunei Hall. Alas, there I was basking in my little glow of sadness, when a cheery face suddenly and cheerily interjects “mau makan?”..Hilang kali my sad drama look. Hilanng…”Tinggal satu lagi” she continues. My head still very slow, “Huh?”. I was dazed. “Satu lagi” myself automatically replied. In my head I was thinking “Luckyy..and its for me too!”. The only thing was that I wasn’t hungry. I walked again, dazed and absent mindedly to the reception’s counter, where the asst. warden and the other man whose name I have no idea may be, but whose face is familiar, both of them were gazing at me expectantly. “To eat or not to eat…That is the question”.

“I’m not hungry” I intoned

“You sure, satu lagi tu”

“Huh..satu lagi?”

Mana betul my head. (Oh wow…that happened during the last hour, I am actually hungry now!)

Ambled to my room, located on not the 2^nd or 4^th floor, and was again awashed with a sense of loss, a sense punctuated by my clicking on my I-tunes, and then playing Kareem Salama’s ‘It Came To Be’. Kareem Salama was the American Muslim country singer Kyla introduced to me. And I listened to him a lot during my journeys from Toronto to Houston, and a lot more during J-term when I was back in MHC. His songs primarily have a beautiful spiritual bent to them, for example, if you listen to ‘More Than’, it is a song about Prophet Muhammad sallahualaihissalam, eventhough Salama doesn’t mention the Prophet pbuh explicitly, but you know that it is the beloved Prophet pbuh that he is singing about, because the harrowing and touching events described are unique only to him, the best of mankind =)

Kareem Salama and Kyla seemed to have transported my heart back to the States, back to MHC. I know, I know I haven’t been able to share the many things I would love to share, and my family, my sister particularly must be begrudging me about this, but InshaAllah, I am going to try what best I can, what little I feel I can offer or see fit to be shared here. Perhaps, I was jealously guarding that little piece of world I was living in there, I don’t know. But I really really loved my time there. I met so many amazing people, brothers and sisters. Particularly sisters. Friends, sisters and families that I have come to love and care as my own. Friends, sisters and family whom have come to love and care me as their own…really, who am I, to be taken so kindly into their homes, and treated and fed so well. And Sisters who have found a special place in my heart. It was a wonderful and amazing, blessed experience. Alhamdullilah. I am saying that not to show-off, and May Allah protect me and us all from ostentation. Indeed, this is one of my fears when I come to think of putting my thoughts, my heart on cyberspace.

But I am expressing something here, what is so dear and special to me. Allah swt has granted me my provisions, He has been enormously generous by bestowing upon me opportunities after opportunities to ultimately love others, love Him, and learn, and cry, and laugh, and smile, and hug and kiss…ultimately blessings from Him, ultimately gifts from Him, so that by the end of the day I can think, say and feel “Alhamdullilah”…All praises due to Allah. And only Allah can fairly praise Himself with the names He has for Himself.

But they are all memories now, sweet, some even bittersweet and beautiful memories. My life is largely made of that. Memories. The moment from when I was born till now, as I am typing away this piece…felt, gone, memories. Felt, gone, memories…recalling them all only in memories. Can you believe that? During the Deen Intensive course in Houston, Shaykh Yahya Rhodus said to us “All that you have is now, the moment that you have since you were born until this point right now – is gone, never coming back, that’s it, finished, khalaas”, and he emphasized that by bringing his two hands together and acted out an ala wiping/finished motion (or have I imagined this hand part?? >O<*)

I believe his point is this.

Life is ephemeral. It feels fast and short. You live, and as Montaigne memorably captures it, everyday you live, you are dying. That is, you and I move towards our death with every single breath we take.

What you do in that span between your birth and death is molto molto importante, i.e. very very important.

I think about this when I lie down, I think of my final resting place, my final lying down. I tell myself..I will be in a grave. I will die. I will die. That is the surety of life. Nobody can deny this. Everything, everyone dies. Everyone will return to Allah swt. What will I be like when I die? Will my grave be good or bad, will I be tortured, will I finally rest, will I die Muslim, will I , will I? It is my biggest fear to die anything other than a Muslim. You know what that means right?

That’s it- the ultimate khalaas.

Our earthly remains will be laid to rest, but our human souls are immortal, that is they will live on beyond the grave. They are meant to be immortal. A fact expounded by Seyyed Hossein Nasr in his book A Young Muslim’s Guide To the Modern World, a fact that sharply struck me.

I will leave my body in this world. But my soul will remain beyond this world, facing either Allah’s wrath or mercy, entering into the world that is either ‘the paradisal, the purgatorial [or] the infernal’ (43). This is my reality, as is yours.

SubhanaAllah

…And precisely because we are human, our life is not destroyed completely at the moment of death. Rather, the life of the soul and the spirit survive after the body. Because of all these realities we must live our lives on earth according to moral principles. We must shun what is evil or more specifically what the Quran and the Hadith consider to be evil….All of these teachings are based on the very thorough and clear insistence of the Quran upon the immortality of the human soul and the resurrection not only of the soul but also of the body…(43-44)

It sounds cool doesn’t it. Immortals. Even I thought for a second, with visible thought bubble (black outline, background colour white and comic script-font) wowwwh…like Hercules and Zeus, like the Greek legends, stunningly animated by Disney…immortals…

Let’s burst that bubble shall we.

Pop!

Fisrt thing, unlike Hercules and Zeus, I am a human and real,… they aren’t. Myths, them. Real, me.

I was created by Allah for a purpose, and it strongly struck me that MY SOUL will be accounted in the hereafter, that MY SOUL will either be in heaven or hell. That I will live eternally in either heaven or hell, in either Allah’s good grace or His wrath. SubhanaAllah, do I or do I not have a heavy responsibility here. SubhanaAllah. Who am I kidding? Eternal, forever, sounds like more than a long, long, looooooonggg time.

It is for ALL time.

ALL time will I frolic happily in paradise, or roast with regret, sorrow, unimaginable, unspeakable grief and pain in jahannam.

We forget. Oh, we easily forget. Jangantah lagi we. I forget, oh, so many times. It breaks my heart. It makes me so ashame so ashame.

{Edited}

I have written this post about 6 days ago and I just haven’t had the chance to post it up. It isn’t so easy for me to find the net connection in BH, and I have to sortta sponged off my friends connection.

But other than that.

I learned yesterday that Allahyarham Bungsu Timah has passed away. It is said that when someone passes away and we are unable to take a lesson from that, then that generally is a bad sign for our character. We need indeed to remember about the temporal lease we have for our life on this earth.

Please make dua’ for Bungsu Timah and for our brothers and sisters whom have returned to Allah swt. I pray that Allah swt, Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim will have mercy and compassion on their souls, and our souls when it is our time to find our back to Him swt. And truly indeed, Allah is most Compassionate, Most Kind. And may Allah swt bless their souls and make them the dwellers of Jannah. Ameen, Ameen Raabalalameen ~

Ma’salaama

I’ve been meaning to write a response to one of your lord i’m thinking about life seriously now and it bothers me cause i don’t know and i’m not sure muses.

What to take for uni? undeclared, undecided?

Nis. Aaa lot of people have grieved, fumed, worried, sighed and what notted over the same same thing. A lot. Here for example in the place i am, in the land of the free, students who enter into college (read in their context, college = undergraduate study, not 6th form like kita in the land of delicious durian kuning and superb tasek lama walkways )…well, they don’t declare their ‘major’ until the end of their second year (read also they do 4 years of undergrad studies). I’ve listened to many women who think at first they want to do this, gender studies, anthropology, art…no wait aueronautical brassiere design..well, they pick something in the end…’yeah, i picked english coz’ im good at it…but also..’

But also is important. And also. also that no matter what major/course your going to take in uni does not mean that it is something that you have to commit to for life. A friend has graduated with a degree in bio-chem, today she is about to enroll in a graduate law school. You see…you don’t have to figure it out today, tonight, tomorrow, now.

Pardon my sweet pepperjack cheesiness, but life is full of uncertanities. One day you come out thinking, oh, this is what i want to do for life…but a few years down the road you may discover something that bears more meaning to you, more beauty and fulfillment to your heart. Or maybe you necessarily don’t. I’m confusing you aren’t I? Well, the point is, I believe there is something that we are all meant to do in this life. Walahuallam, maybe you won’t realise or learn about this even until you are 50.

And there are people like that. Really. people who have experienced so many things, and yet they know not what they truly will/can be except perhaps then…to always keep trying.

Sincerety …ain’t that important? Well, you know I’m doing the ol’ kaka musing or what resembles it =P once more. My haed is so knuckeredness. I came from lunch and prior to that my Arabi imtihan (exam). Alhamdullilah, it wasn’t hard..but i’m so sleepy right now, im going to take a nap before studying for tomorrow’s final exam =)

I have more and (inshaAllah clearer way) to say what I mean here, but inshaAllah i’ll do that after the exam is done.

But i’ll tell you this, it’s always good to talk to someone right? someone who doesn’t necessarily give you an immediate answer like …engineering (pfft pops)…you know who. well no not me =)

Ilahi..He will know what you mean, o, to be sure

xoxoxox

I intend learning and teaching, recalling and reminding, benefit and gaining benefit, usefulness and utilization, and exhortation towards holding firm to the Book of Allah and the sunnah of His Messenger (SAWS).

and Nisah, Najim…I told you to look at the video above kan?

also, listen to this lovely nasheed as well ok. Trust me on this. It’s my favorite rendition of ‘Tala-al Badru alayna’.

It’s by Khalid Berlhouzi and Dawud Wharnsby. It’s really really beautiful, MashaAllah.

p.s. please don’t forget my rocking chair, min fadhleek?

]]> http://kafkaesque177.wordpress.com/2008/05/03/ana-uridu/feed/ 0 kafkaesque177 http://kafkaesque177.wordpress.com/2008/04/30/the-squished-worms-got-me-thinking/ http://kafkaesque177.wordpress.com/2008/04/30/the-squished-worms-got-me-thinking/#comments Wed, 30 Apr 2008 05:50:18 +0000 kafkaesque177 http://kafkaesque177.wordpress.com/?p=23 ]]> 5 minutes, no hang on..i was already late (alas…as always), i was dashing to my chaucer class, completed (and of course, inappropriately edited or proofread) my essay. The full import hadn’t yet hit me- that one week overdue 8-10 page essay (plus bibliography) is finally finally its about time Done. 2 minutes before that 5 minutes but which hang on i was already late scenario, i was haranguing the dorm’s printer. indeed, that essay was fresh from the oven torrey printer. I even had time to print that 2o pages of Andreuccio da Perugia for the 1o am Italian class.

The Chaucer class was at 8.35, and by that time I reached shattuck building, it was probably past 8.35, and what did I have to do?

Look for a stapler. Walked into the professors’ registration office, breathless and red-faced : ‘Excuse me, can you please lend me a stapler..’. The women behind the counter was genial enough, she was friendly, I believe unlike the other woman behind the counter in the next office, who intimidates me..The first stapler, renowned for its reliability refused to co-operate with my 11 page essay (plus bibliography). That thing just wouldn’t bite. Like a ragged stubborn dog with its fake dentures on the edge of my paper, that stapler violated the pristine condition of my 20 seconds ago pristine first page.

The title? Understanding Troilus’ love in medieval Muslim theories

I think the title sounded odd, fascinating but odd. I just can’t place my finger on where the grammar goes awry.

So, I was about 5 minuted late for class…and yet, there were others still trickling in.

It was a rainy tuesday morning, a cold, grey new england morning. I like it though. It’s pretty. I also like rain, because it reminds me of Brunei. I like rain because its water from the sky, I like rain because I believe its rahmat and rizq from Allah swt. I like rain because its beautiful. I like rain because of its subduing effect. I like rain because it offers me the opportunity to sit on the rocking chair outside Eliott house, to munch on my warm garlic bread, and simply reflect and stare into the enchanting green and profusions of white and pink blooms unfolding before me, the rain drops clinging sweetly like a gentle lover onto the soft petals, and a fat robbin, with his dark-red breasted body, perched on the rooftop, looking on like a small majestic hawk…all these, SubhanaAllah, for me to see, ‘biholde’, as Chaucer would say it, and for you, sweet reader for me to share the picture.

But I am not sure if I like the rain for bringing out the army of worms.

Pink, translucent, raw , did i mention pink? fleshy pink worms…

It has been raining continuously i believe for 2 days in a row. A day before the 2 days of today, alright, i think i mean last sunday, or saturday..it was also raining. I won’t go into the details of why until today, i’ve never purchased a pair of – what certainly should prove to be useful- rainboots. Nor shall i divulge the amazing survival skills that entails considering the absence of snowboots when I plunge foolishly into the deep deep snow. But i will tell you about the worms.

I am just fascinated by them.

The first few days I looked at them, some splattered like mangled and rolled over mee goreng on the sidewalks, some diligently inching their way forward, unminding perhaps of the threatening thudds of unawares mt holyoke women similarly inching their way to this and that class..the same human force that trundled on many of their brethren.

And how could we avoid it? If you watch me maneouvre the sidewalks, you would think i was doing some sort of post-modern version of traditional silat-salsa al freddo dance…lifting one right foot here, bending and popping one’s booty there. And yet…i try my best to not squish them.

These creatures that help to irrigate our soils. friends of farmers. sensors of light, haemphrodite/a-sexual creatures- meaning they have both male and female reproductive organs. They hatch from cocoons that is smaller than the grain of rice. MashaAllah, what miraculous creations!

and quite beautiful too, if you think about it. they have these hypnotizing rings around them, these non-skeletal cold bloods. and ironically, FIVE hearts.

Yes, i did my 10 minute research and i stumble on two lovely kid websites, with interactive and informative features.

Worms. The abject?

Something both to fear, recoil and disgust and yet something that one still find fascinating?

When I was a kid i also used to want to own a glass box with an ant home inside of it so that i could watch them. I still want one. Which reminds me, i need to get a telescope. And if you are my sibling and you are reading this, i want a rocking chair when i get home, min fadhleek =)

On a last note, these are what the worms got me athinking…

although on an anticlimatic note, i must be honest, i can handle one or two worm in sight, but if you invite me to contemplate on a whole bucketful of them, i must courteously decline your generous offer.

Buon notte~